seasidhedcv

pack and get dressed before your father hears us

before all hell breaks loose

Growing up with Reginald Haargraves as a father meant learning to survive and adapt. It was sort of like an offhand family motto - and Two thinks it makes perfect sense, to be honest. Survive and adapt like they're nothing more than weird specimens. Because that's exactly what they are.

Growing up with Reginald Haargraves as a father probably meant something different to each and every one of them, but to Two it always meant that. Survive and adapt. Stronger, faster, better, stronger, faster, better until there wasn't even a slight chance of being punished for not being good enough.

(Except he's never good enough. No one of his siblings is ever good enough. Fucking Number One is never good enough.)

Growing up with Reginald Haargraves as a father meant thinking only for himself: adapt and survive and there isn't another way to survive except thinking for himself, that much is clear to Two. All those lessons about how they have to work as a team don't really matter.

Trying to do something when their father is punishing someone is never a good idea. And his father likes to punish them - even if he says those are not punishments, even if he says it's for their own good.

Two learns to adapt and survive. Two learns to look away, learns it's better not to get involved. Learns what happens when someone tries to speak up to Reginald Haargraves - the one time Six tries to intercede for Four and ends up locked in his room without food for two days.

Survive and adapt and Two is fully aware that sometime during this process his heart hardened - and he can't stop thinking that maybe that was exactly what his father wanted.

After all Reginald Haargraves has always been good at manipulating his own children.

maybe another day you'll want to feel another way,

you can't stop crying

you haven't got a thing to say, you feel you want to run away

"Dad please! Please don't do this! Please don't leave me there again, please, please, I promise I'll be better, I promise, please-" Four's voice almost breaks in the middle of begging but that doesn't seem to impress Reginald Haargraves at all. On the contrary.

"Not another word, boy. You'll stay in the crypt as long as it takes you to be better."

There isn't kindness in his voice. There isn't pity nor regret nor even the slightest hint of sympathy. And it's not something new so Two shouldn't be surprised at all.

But then again, his father is about to lock Four in a fucking crypt for hours - if he's lucky, the last time it was a whole day - and as much as Two doesn't want to admit it that's way worst than what Haargraves usually does to him.

Four is screaming, now, on the verge of a panic attack, and it's almost painful to watch. He's kicking and screaming and Two is sure he's hurting himself. But their father is inflexible and nothing seems to get to him.

Six tries to say something but then he seems to remember what happened the last time he tried to do that - he suddenly looks paler than usual and walks away with guilt in his eyes.

The screaming quiets down as their father drags Four out - and it's not because his brother has stopped shouting, no - and for a few seconds Two almost feels better.

Then he pictures Four, all alone in the dark with everything that must be going on in his head, and everything comes back.

"Dad, please... let him out. There must be another way-"

"What are you doing still here? You have your practice, number two. Don't bother me with your stupid ideas.”

study your face and fade the frame

too close for comfort now

The first time Diego sees him again, Klaus is wearing Allison's clothes - he's wearing her skirt - and doesn't look heartbroken as he should. As they all should.

(Luther is the only one who looks honestly sad. Sad and angry and a little bit paranoid but that's not exactly news. Vanya looks sad too, but then again she always looks sad. Allison is quiet and composed as usual.)

Klaus waltzes into the room like he's been around the mansion for the last few years, just like he owns the place and everyone can see he's clearly high as usual. Luther groans, Allison rolls her eyes, Vanya doesn't say anything. Diego is the only one who actually noticed the slightest hint of something behind Klaus' eyes.

They all look brooding, that much can be said. It's just that brooding isn't exactly the look children should have upon the news of their father's death.

That's what happens when your father is a dick, Diego figures. They all look like they lost a part of their life - but not a part they actually miss. To some of them it's clearly a relief - Klaus doesn't even try to hide it and honestly? Diego feels the exact same way.

Their father just died and no one actually looks sad - that alone should really tell something about how fucked up their family is. Was. Still is.

"I figured we could have a sort of memorial service in the courtyard at sundown. Say a few words, just at Dad's favorite spot."

"Dad had a favorite spot?"

"You know, under the oak tree? We used to sit there all the time. None of you ever did that?"

Luther is the exception to the rules. But then again Luther has always been dad's number one.

but at the end you're not too bad

can someone tell me if it's wrong to be so mad about you

"Hi mom," Klaus smiles wearily and kisses his mother's cheek. No one else is around and he can enjoy some quality mother - son time. Sort of. She looks exactly the same way she has looked every single day of his life and honestly? Klaus doesn't mind that. She's reliable and he likes reliable. No one would say that about him - there's nothing reliable about a junkie who can talk to dead people - but he does like the way his mother is always the same.

He also loves the way his mother is the only one in that house who doesn't look at him like he's either a dead cockroach on the floor or a broken thing that can't be mended.

"They don't look at you that way," Ben tries to mediate but Klaus doesn't even bother looking at him. They both know it's true.

"Hello, Klaus. Would you like bacon and pancakes this morning?"

"I'm not really hungry but thanks," he sits down at the table and starts fidgeting absentmindedly with the napkin right in front of him.

"But breakfast is the most important meal of the day," Grace chirps and Klaus is tempted to ask her if the most important meal of the day would have any benefit right after drugs and alcohol.

"Hi mom," Diego enters the room and looks positively shocked when he sees Klaus sitting at the table. It's seven a.m. in the morning and that is most definitely not a Klaus hour.

"Hello Diego, dear. I made your special breakfast."

Diego blushes almost vehemently and Klaus is suddenly very interested in what's happening in front of him.

"Smiley pancakes, Diego?" he manages to blurts out and just a few seconds after a fork flies right past his left ear.

"Shut the fuck up."

it takes all my time to be in love with you

it takes all of my time, what do I do?

"You didn't notice Klaus was gone," Five says without any inflection in his voice and yet, just as everything else he says, those words sounds like a judgment.

And Diego has a million comebacks to that particular criticism. No one really noticed Klaus was gone - there are four other siblings, he's not in charge of keeping an eye on the junkie brother. Klaus is always gone somewhere, it's not like this was the first time he disappeared without telling anybody - and it's not like this was the first time he came back days after without telling anybody. And it's not like Diego keeps track of his movements.

"Neither did you."

"I'm not the one in love with him."

"What the fuck are you talking about," Diego snorts, keeping down whatever emotion is now stirring his stupid heart. In love. With Klaus. He has never heard of something so stupid before. And this comes from Five, of all the people. He's supposed to be the smart one.

"Please, do keep on with the denial. It's so dumb it's actually entertaining," Five snickers and Diego honestly wants to punch him in the face.

"No one else noticed! You didn't notice!"

"I've other things on my hands."

"Still."

"Still, you didn't notice Klaus was gone."

But the fact it it's not true. It's even worst. Diego did notice - and dismissed the thought because he was sure Klaus was somewhere getting high - and didn't do anything. And he could've done something. He knew Klaus was missing and he didn't do anything.

(Klaus was missing, Klaus was being tortured, Klaus was being hurt, Klaus was waiting for someone to help him and no one came, Klaus was alone.)

When he finds out about Eudora, things just spiral further down.

and I can feel the numbness accompany my plight

and I know that someday soon I'll see you

"What the fuck are you doing?" and yes, it comes out a shit ton more aggressive than Diego would've want but, fuck it. Coming into the bathroom and finding his own brother underwater for far too long does certain things to one's head.

"Shit! Shit, fuck, Diego! You really scared me!"

Klaus' eyes are wide open and it doesn't really take that much for Diego to understand he's already high again. Well, fuck it.

"I scared you? You scared me, dumbass! What the fuck were you doing underwater for so long? Breath-hold diving in the fucking bathtub?"

"Did anyone ever told you you swear a lot, when you're angry?"

"No shit, Sherlock."

Klaus doesn't answer and Diego doesn't really know what to say and suddenly there's silence in the bathroom. (And silence means Diego has to deal with his thoughts and his feelings and he doesn't like it at all, he can't throw knives at his feelings. He tried. It doesn't work.)

"So, you just like to burst in while other people takes baths or what?"

"Asshole," Diego swears again because the answer to that question is.. complicated. Diego can see the signs of physical violence on Klaus' body and that doesn't really fucking help. He has a certain amount of experience with violence and Klaus... Klaus is pretty banged up.

"Are you okay?" he settles for asking the dumbest question that was ever asked in the history of all the asked questions. Klaus knows, too. He's looking at Diego with a humorous look and Diego suddenly feels really fucking stupid.

"Am I okay? I'm amazing, thank you very much. Splendid, just grand."

"Fuck you. I know what happened."

"Don't know what you're talking about, dear brother."

"Klaus. I'm here, if you need something. If you need to talk. I'm here.”

time, time time, see what's become of me

while I looked around for my possibilities

"Don't tell me everything is all right because I saw you in there, you were crying like a baby!"

"'Cause I lost someone!"

Shreds of that conversation still haunts Klaus' mind every time he thinks too much - and fuck, does he think too much all the fucking time. All the fucking time. Maybe it's a new part of his power. Could be. There's so much he doesn't know. "You're my greatest disappointment, Number Four, You only scratched the surface of what you were truly capable of."

Well, fuck that too. Like he needs something else to worry about, right now. With all this things about the world ending and him trying to sober up.

"I think you're doing the right thing," Ben says calmly, as usual. Klaus guesses being dead might actually be good for your anxiety. He should try, some time.

"Am I?"

"I think so. You want to see Dave again, don't you?"

"Do I?"

"I thought you did?"

Klaus doesn't answer right away and dives in his bed, trying not to think. But again: he always thinks too much. Always had. If he didn't think that much maybe he'd be happier. Maybe he'd be a bit more like Luther.

(And yet when he thinks about Luther the previous night - Luther trying his best to be like him, trying his best to be carefree and happy and, fuck, it's so obvious Luther doesn't have the slightest clue of what it means to be him - Klaus guesses they both had it wrong this all time. They're both equally fucked up.)

And he should really get rid of the secret stash of pills under his bed, before the urge to be numb again gets stronger than everything else.

"I thought I did too. I mean, I do. I do want to see Dave, I've been trying to see him for all this time. I'm basically sobering up for him," Klaus lets out a shaky laugh and he can almost see the worry radiating through Ben's body. Soul. Whatever. "But what if things get worst, after I see him?"

"What do you mean?"

"What if I feel worst, after I get to see him? I mean, I'll obviously feel worst. He's gone, he's not coming back, he's gone for good. The only person I've truly loved more than myself. Gone. And I can see him, all right, but I can't get him back. Exactly like you, you're here and I see you all the time but I can't bring you back and it's not the fucking same, Ben!" Klaus can feel the verge of a panic attack approaching and the need to grab one of those pills gets even stronger.

He burst out of the room because for once he doesn't what to fuck up things. No one follows, as usual, except for Ben. No one of his siblings is even aware of his struggles - then again, what's the news in this?

He'll always be alone in this.

i light another cigarette

learn to forget, learn to forget

"You know how it's like? Sometimes I get excited because there’s something Dave would love to hear and I get to tell him and then I remember he’s gone. And it's even worse because I don't-" Klaus takes a deep, shaky breath like he's trying to fight back tears and Diego has to force himself to look away. "I don't think I have the right to be here. To get to see those things that would make him happy. I should be the one-"

"But you aren't, Klaus. You're here, you're alive-"

"Shut up, Ben, I wasn't talking to you."

"Is Ben- Ben's here, yeah, obviously. Hi Ben," Diego still has to come to terms with the idea that usually Ben is wherever Klaus is. Not that this is the strangest thing that happened to them in the latest few hours.

"Yeah, Ben's here and he's being the usual pain in the ass," Klaus complains, getting an outraged look from his brother as an answer.

"I get it, Klaus. I get how that's like. I get how much you miss him. Sometimes I wake up and I completely forget she’s gone and for a few, blissful minutes everything's right. And we weren't even a thing anymore.”

Diego is aware Klaus is looking at him with... surprise, at the very least. The thing is Klaus is probably not used to this, to someone sitting next to him and telling him I know how you feel, I get it, you have a right to feel that way. And he's definitely not used to Diego being the sibling who's good at comforting people. Because he really isn't.

(To be honest there isn't one, they're all pretty shitty in that particular department.)

"But Ben is right. You're still here. I'm still here. Eudora wouldn't want me to feel like I don't deserve to be here and I'm sure Dave wouldn't want that too."

"You remembered his name," Klaus sounds genuinely surprised and that makes Diego's heart clench a tiny bit. Klaus shouldn't be so surprised for a simple thing like that. Klaus shouldn't look at him with that look - almost grateful - only because Diego remembered the name of a person so important to him.

But then again, Diego is probably the only person who knows about Dave. And that means Klaus only felt comfortable talking to him and that is a fucking huge responsibility.

"Of course I remembered his name. He was special to you."

"Can I ask you something?" Klaus whispers and Diego wonders how fucked up is that Klaus' voice, when he's not high or drunk - sounds so much like when he was a kid. He feels a rush of protectiveness and he doesn't exactly know what to do with that information.

"Shoot."

"Do you think I can do this?" Klaus' voice breaks and it almost break Diego's heart too.

"I think you can do this. I think we can do this. I just think we need time to heal.”